Homophobia Is Gay

Sorry, it's just... I'm hung up on this whole societal view point thing. Society makes it to where, unless you have done something harsh, or something has been done to you, you have no back story, no excitement. It's like you HAVE to be damaged to be beautiful to society.

Why?

Why have we come to this?

I just want to die.

My Problems ~ A Comprehensive List:

1) I'm not happy.

2) I can't make others happy.

3) I'm not pretty enough.

4) I'm not smart enough.

5) I'm not skinny enough.

6) I can't do anything right.

7) I make others unhappy.

7. That's supposed to be lucky, right?

Okay, now here's what's up.

I haven't been able to post because I have been drowning.

I have been sinking deeper and deeper into a dark oblivion of absolute shit terror.

Pressure from people and study had scared me so bad that I felt like I couldn't simply vent to people that don't even bother to vent back on here.

The tougher classes are over and I'm in a different living situation now, so I should be able to post more often.

Now, the real topic for this post though is about something that's been happening for a while.

So, apparently, when people get to know me, they see me as brave, strong, and all that other bullshit, and finally I think I'm coming to the light and agreeing with them. And that's a huge step for me.

This is what my boyfriend said to me today:

"I like how you just look things in the face and take them on. Even without makeup. You're amazing strength and resolve to get through things... You are really smart and strong; I like that most about you."

I'm pretty sure that, as a parent, you shouldn't call your daughter a failure.
In fact, you shouldn't call anybody a failure.
You may think you know them, but you don't.
You don't know if they are constantly blaming themselves, despite how much they try to do their best.
You don't know them.
Bit your tongue, you bitch.

You wouldn't have done that if you knew that I had been crying.

I'm getting to the point where I am done.
I'm done being the support beam for everybody else's woes.
They come to me in flocks with their problems.
They sob, "He hurt me!" They cry, "I'm dumb!"
No matter how much I reassure them that their life isn't purely unholy shit, they continue to fish for sympathy and/or compliments.
I'm done.
Go feed your own ego.
You have other resources, but I'm done trying to please you.

Apparently, I'm on the verge of being sociopathic.
Oops.

I like helping people.
I really like helping people.
So when I get upset, I don't tell people.
Because then they won't come and tell me what's wrong for them.
So therefore I don't get support.
Therefore I isolate myself.
Therefore I get more upset.
Therefore I cry.
Therefore I cut.

I don't know what to do about this.
Somebody just help me.

What is the point to typing "properly" if it makes you type slower? At any other point in time, I would've typed this in less than a minute, but this has taken me....Definitely longer than a minute.
AAGGHHH PEOPLE.

Song of the Day:
Are We the Waiting

I suppose I am supposed to say something about the six month anniversary of the break up.
So here it is:
It feels unreal. I feel like I'm totally losing my connection to the MCRmy, because everybody fights or are posers or decide to recede from us because they can't deal with it. The sixth month anniversary is absolute shit.
In reality, it shouldn't actually matter because, as Gerard said, this band ISN'T a band at all, it is an idea. It stands for unity of the outcasts, it stands for the rebellious side of all of us, it is the philosophy that we can embrace fear and use it to our advantage.
It is not over just because the guys decided to go separate ways.
As long as the Killjoys keep the faith, then there is nothing anybody can do to stop us.
But you guys are failing. You guys aren't showing the support the guys would expect from you.
Some of you are perfect, and I love you for being the supportive Killjoys I look for in the MCRmy.
But a lot of you need to get your grip and keep living. You need to help the soldiers that have fallen and give them back their mask and ray gun.
If you can't do that, then I don't understand why you don't just submit to the rest of society. Take your meds, conform to their rotten ideas, and stop singing it out for the rest of the MCRmy.
Just stop.
If you can't be the soldiers the rest of us need, then stop marching and go back to the conformists.
We don't need you.

That is my opinion of the sixth month anniversary. Take it or leave it.