When the one thing that led you to almost happiness begins starting to make you feel miserable, what do you do? Coming up here and doing other work used to make me so happy, because I could escape for a while.... but now, with the things here taunting me and calling  me unsuccessful, what is there to do?


I'm lost.
I'm scared.
I don't know how to ask for help.
I'm butchered and abused and there's no way for me to stop it.

Warning: You might not want to read this - I'm not sure how dark this'll turn out to be...

So the first time I ever had a hint of suicidal ideation was about three or four months ago. And to think about it wasn't intentional.

 I remember that I was just laying on my futon/bed, waiting for a text from a friend, and I thought, Wouldn't I just be happier if I was dead? After I had the thought, I kind of stopped thinking for a second, then rewound. What? Had I really just though that? I was startled into speechless-ness. Then I thought about it a bit more and realized that it was logical, I could be happier if I was dead. Since then I have had several thoughts similar to that.

Now don't be alarmed! I do not plan on killing myself anytime soon. I believe it would be too selfish, too uncaring. Even though I have a firm belief that it may be only from psychological dependency that people have ever befriended or loved me, they still have done so. By taking my own life they could possibly begin treading in lakes of guilt or thinking they weren't good enough at supporting me and showing me their love. I don't wish that to happen. So, until I possibly screw everyone over or move off to another continent, cutting off all connections to those that I grew up with, I doubt I will kill myself. Not unless if I have a moment of pure demurral - but even then I'd probably call up a close friend and talk to them about what goes on with my life.

Just a note about Suicidal Thoughts, no big deal.