I always feel so hated.

It always happens.
Hey! The world likes you now! You can try to be happy!

Then something comes along and ruins it.

I had everything planned for next year. What I was going to do, where I was going to go.
And now it's all ruined from one cruel twist of crooked fate.

There's no way I can achieve all that I want to, and the only reason is spawning from a single human being.

I'm hated, and there is nothing that I can do besides stand there and let myself be tarnished.

The Chant

Soo..... My anorexia from last year is steadily coming back...
Last night, I made it through dinner because my grandmother was sitting right next to me. When she went to her cello concert though, everything went south. She had left a piece of banana creme pie in the refrigerator for me to eat if I wanted a snack, so I got it out, grabbed a fork, stabbed a piece of it off, then placed the bite in my mouth... And immediately wanted to spit it back out.
My mind seemed to start chanting: You're fat. You're going to be fat. You're lazy and there's no way in hell that you are going to lose weight if you eat this, and you know you need to lose weight. Oh my god. You're so fat! You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat....
So then I went upstairs to my grandmother's walk/run machine thingy that she uses whenever she goes on a diet spree. I used that for about two hours, even when my stomach got cramps and my legs felt like jelly, I continued.
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
The words wouldn't leave. They filled the empty space with such pressure, and such hatred, and I couldn't get rid of it...
When I finally figured that I should stop, I stepped off of the machine and fell. I could barely stand because I had worked so hard, probably more than I ever had ~ ever.
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
You're fat, you're fat, you're fat, you're fat...
The chant continued.
I began randomly throwing out swear words at myself so that I could try ignoring my own chant.
It's still running through my head, fifteen hours later.
Why....

I'm Back

I stopped posting for a while. Not like anybody truly noticed. I mean, who reads this stuff anyway. But I had stopped putting things out there, that's for sure.

I did this because I thought I was done.
I got a boyfriend, I was writing again, and I seemed to fool myself into thinking that I was as happy as a normal human being.

I was lying.

Everything came rushing back this past week.
The feeling of hate. Rage. Denial. Self-loathing. There was no way for me to get rid of it either. It just sat there, warming to a boil.
I can't stand it.
I've decided that tonight I'm going to cut. Which this will be the first since a few weeks before My Chemical Romance broke up.

I'm nervous about doing it again, but.... It's for the best...

Nobody cares if I do this. Nobody will notice. Nobody will help.
They will all just stand by and watch my downhill tragedy.

I hope you're happy about this.